Ep 56 – Living By The ‘Lovers’ Code

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In episode one of Broad New World, I shared with you what it meant to ‘live by the code’. These self created boundaries enable us to get on with living the life we always knew deep down we were capable of, and ditching some of our stinky habits that have been holding us back. So it made sense to me that in our romantic relationships, we could have our own ‘lovers’ code; a set of guidelines mutually agreed that can take your love life to a whole new level.

Episode Resources

lovers code, broadhurst

I would love to hear from you, so please tag me @broadhurstworld on social media, and use the hashtag #broadnewworld, or leave me a comment below (I read every single one!). And if you could take a minute to leave me a review (5 stars would be epic, but whatever feels true for you) on iTunes I would be very grateful. Tell me what you want more of! I am at your service.


Transcript

Welcome back to you Broad New World. I’m your host, Broadhurst, and you can check out all of my work at www.broadhurst.world and I just want to say you’re freaking amazing, I’m so grateful to have you here. Thank you for listening, thank you for tuning in, thank you for showing up. I just think you are amazing and I’m so grateful to have your ears again today. And if you want to check out any of my music, head to your favorite music app, whether it’s Spotify, iTunes, Google, YouTube, and just search for Broadhurst and you can listen to all of my music.

Now that song you were listening to is a song called The One, it’s a song I wrote about my beautiful wife and of course, it’s very relevant to today, because today’s episode is called ‘Living By The Lover’s Code’. And what I hear a lot from listeners, in this song, is that they feel like it’s got some sort of frequency or some sort of vibration that drops them into their hearts space.

And I did a lot of work playing with sound in this tune and you’ll hear very subtly I’ve built my own synth in this out of the saxophone so there’s lots and lots of layers of the saxophone which mimic’s a synth, and the Sax is something close to my heart but really close to everyone’s hearts, because it has such a strong vibration to it.

So maybe that’s why people feel it in the heart space or maybe just because when I wrote it I was just feeling overflowing love for my wife, so check that out at broadhurst.world/theone and I’ll also link to the music video, featuring my wife, in today’s show notes at broadhurst.world/56.

Before we get started I wanted just to remind you of one of the episodes I did at the very beginning called the ‘21 Day Negativity Detox’. And that episode you can listen to at broadhurst.world/3. Now this, I love this concept because it really makes you super-conscious of your thoughts and your energy; the energy you’re putting into your thoughts, where you’re putting your attention.

And the challenge is simple: go 21 days without being negative, critical or nasty really, or judging people, or gossiping, you know, whatever you feel is negative. Now of course negative thoughts do play a role in this and I address that in episode number 4 called ‘Pulling The Splint Of A Piece Of Mind And Overcoming Negative Thoughts’.

So in a nutshell, 21 days in-a-row without being negative, sorry, without saying anything negative, and what you do is put a little wristband on your wrist like a hair tie or something and you want to try and go 21 days without swapping wrists. And if you do break it one day and you say something negative then you simply swap wrists and you go back to zero.

The closest I’ve made it I’m now three months in, is 17 days. I’ve made it 17 days twice now and yesterday for whatever reason I was just being really negative towards myself actually, I was just kind of complaining and complaining about this thing about my health or that thing about my computer or whatever; it was just silly stuff and I thought, you know what, that’s not cool, that definitely has broken the negativity detox so back to zero I go.

And my deal to you is if you can get to 21 days, genuinely, before me, I will write a song for you, a cute little jingle and I’ll sing it on social media. So definitely give it a go; if you can beat me, I would be super stoked to do that.

Now today, if you haven’t heard episode number 1 ‘Living By The Code’, definitely go and check that out because I’m gonna be talking and referring about that, so rather than tell you what that is exactly, I’m going to assume you’ve heard episode number 1 ‘Living By The Code’.

And that particular episode has really help with me in so, so, so many ways. It’s also helped a lot of people kick old habits like over eating, or drinking, or smoking, or even just being, you know, like gossiping, these sorts of things. And I’ve had a lot of messages from people that it’s taking their professions, their spirituality, their health, their love lives to a whole new level and I think, well I know, for me personally that’s because discipline for me is freedom. And yes, it’s okay to mix things up a bit but don’t let that become an excuse, or cover up, because that’s the trick.

We want to always live life in a way that’s true to us, and if we have certain boundaries that help us thrive, that’s a good thing, it’s an amazing thing. And it’s also okay to be fluid at times but just be careful that you don’t use that fluidity as a cover up for just, you know, wanting to be average. But I believe that to really create the life we want to live, we want to remove doubt and indecision.

So I want to picture something, like take this picture in your mind, picture a circle. Now, within that circle is a lot of space, that circle is your boundary, and when we set up boundaries like this, it creates that space for us to move around and flow within. We can just flow within that beautiful circle because we’ve set those boundaries up; that’s a nice way to picture discipline as freedom.

Now imagine you just remove say 10% of that circle, there’s a small gap, and it allows those outside influences to come in. Those outside influences now have taken up some of your space and you’re going to start bouncing around off those influences and around your circle. That’s another way to look at when that lack of discipline comes in, what can happen.

And trust me, I’m no angel because I’ve been pretty average with my code over the past couple of weeks and I’m just bringing it back online today. And I’ve seen the consequences of lack of discipline for me and it kind of sucks to be honest, so that’s a nice way to picture it.

But today I want to talk about ‘Living By The Lovers Code’. Now, this is quite different because we’ve got ‘Living By The Code’ which is a personal thing, but ‘Living By The Lovers Code’ is something that you create with your lover. And I’m going to share with you what Melissa and I came up with for our Lover’s Code. In-a-nutshell, we have a table that has four columns in it; we have a never column, an always column, a conditional column and an unrestricted column.

In each column we list what we have agreed upon; this is the difference. The lovers code is something you agree upon together, it’s a way of operating together. Now this can change, but for us this is what feels true for us and I’m going to share with you this and I’ll put it in today’s show notes at broardhurst.world/56 so you can have a read as well and you can see how we do it.

But in the first column, the never column, the first thing we have is: Never go to sleep angry. I’m just going to go through them all because, you know, they’re pretty self-explanatory.

Never swear at each other.  I believe there are so many words in the English language we don’t really need to be dropping ‘f-bombs’ on each other, especially if it’s out of angst; that’s really, really unpleasant, it’s not a nice energy to have with your lover.

Never raise your voice. Never resist when the other person reminds you of your personal code. This is important because if you’ve got a personal code and your lover sees you stepping outside of that and they remind you, don’t push back on them, just thank them for pulling you back into your code.

Never have expectations other than living according to your values. I’m going to do an episode on expectations versus boundaries, they are very different things.

Never tell ‘White Lies’. Never miss a morning when we start the day with some sort of connection, like a hug, or talking, or making love.

Never expect the other person to clean up after you. Do it with love or don’t do it at all. See the other person’s mess as a blessing. What would it be like if you didn’t have your lover’s mess, meaning you didn’t have them. It’s a nice way to think of it, so when you see that bowl in the sink can you be grateful for that bowl, because without it you wouldn’t have your lover.

Never miss an opportunity to give affection, kisses and touch. Never leave the house without saying goodbye, giving a hug and a kiss.

Always practice crystal clear communication.  So, I’m moving into the always. Always be united in front of Leo, and if not, leave the room or address it and find unity later. Leo is my son, Melissa’s bonus son; we always have to stay united in front of Leo.

Always speak to each other like Jesus. So when someone comes in to the house, how would you greet Jesus. How would you greet Buddha. How would you greet Mohammed. How would you greet Mother Teresa. Speak to each other like Jesus.

Always complement each other, daily. Always say please and thank you. Always speak the truth and your truth. Always say thing three things we are grateful for when we wake up and before going to sleep.

Always recognize when we are closed and be the first to open wide. This is a key thing and I dive into a lot more detail around this in episode number 29 ‘Nothing Good Comes From Closing’. This is a concept that has radically changed my life, my relationships, and of course Melissa speaks a lot about this in her book Open Wide, which you can check out at MelissaAmbrosini.com/openwide.

But moving on to the next one. Always, when one person is down, it’s the other’s role to be love and to elevate the other person. Always be of service to each other and remember we’re here to elevate together. It’s the journey that we’re on together.

The conditional column is make love at least three times per week, and less during Melissa’s moon-cycle.

Always have breakfast, lunch and dinner together unless there is a meeting that can’t be moved. I understand that that’s going to be different for every single person, but for us we live and we work together so we can do that.

Only miss a fortnightly date-night, if agreed. So every second Saturday we have a date-night; we get dressed up, we go out and it’s something we haven’t done for the past few months, we just sort of dropped it and we’re bringing that back in because it feels really nice to get dressed up and have a nice meal with your lover and just be lovers together, be adults.

Never talk about work at night unless both agree. This is really important especially for us because we are so closely entwined with each other’s work.

And the last column is unrestricted. Unrestricted touch, love making, compliments, affection, love notes, listening, surprising and delighting.

So that is our own personal ‘Lovers Code’ and it’s new for us, we’re going to experiment with this. We need to read it regularly. You might have a reminder that pops up on your phone, or in your productivity app, whatever it is that you use or your diary; just to read your Lover’s Code to remind yourselves of what you have agreed upon and what you both hold sacred in your relationship. Really simple stuff but really powerful.

So again, if you haven’t heard episode number 1 ‘Living By The Code’, go and check it out because discipline can be freedom. And share with me how this goes for you. If you give the ‘Lovers Code’ a go, or just the general Personal Code a go, share with me on social media @broadhurstworld. I would love to hear from you, even share your code on social media. Share it with the world; why not, because sharing is caring, right?

And don’t forget to hit the Subscribe button in the podcast app, so you get every episode of Broad New World. And head into iTunes, leave me a review, whether it’s one, two, three, four or five stars, I would just love to hear your honest feedback.

And last of all just a little reminder today to look up, see the beauty around you, see the beauty within you, see the beauty within yourself. Remember that discipline can be freedom, and if it ever feels too rigid, remember that circle, remember the white space that you create by setting up your own boundaries. Remember what can happen if we open that up too much.

Be fluid, of course, but know and recognize when you’re being fluid or when you’re covering up. Be love today, be love to yourself, be love to others. Maybe perform a random act of kindness for someone, surprise them by buying them their meal, their drink, anonymously, and just leaving without recognition. Listen to your intuition , and as always, have a beautiful day. I love you heaps. Ciao!

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