Infidelity. Cheating. Affair. Whatever you want to call it… it hurts. In this episode I explore how hidden amongst this great challenge that so many of us have to endure, could in fact be your greatest gift. We dive into the real world story of Selina and Dayne and see how one conversation took them from suffering to compassion.
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(Based on a true story)
Where movies follow extraordinary stories, the following story however about Tim and Kirsty is in fact very common.
As soon as I opened the door I knew something was wrong. The tear soaked words slowly dripped out of her mouth, “Tim has been having an affair.”
This was going to be a long couch session, and not because I needed to hear ‘the story’ but because I knew exactly in that instant what needed to be said and how long it would take to shift Kirsty’s energy back to her ultimate truth and see the other side.
Over the next hour a detailed but incredibly simple roadmap unfolded for Kirsty. Gone were the tears, replaced with optimism for a brighter and lighter future for Kirsty and her husband. Yet as I hung up the phone, I couldn’t shake one question… why didn’t they know this already? I mean, it was so simple to me, so obvious, maybe because I have been there too. Where along the way did they forget these fundamental laws that govern not only their relationship, but everything in the universe? And if I am totally honest, I knew that despite seeing ‘the light’ so to speak, Kirsty and Tim would most likely see some tough times in the coming weeks and months. That is the human condition. To ‘forget’ what we already know. We remember, we forget, we remember, we forget.
But before we go there, let’s start with me. After all, who am I, having been divorced and remarried to talk about love? Well that’s just the thing. I am part of the 50%+ statistic of ‘failed’ marriages, so I can speak from experience because I can see how this played out for me and how I contributed that marriage ending and the eventual suffering I went through as a result. The big difference here however for Kirsty and Tim is that this is not supposed to be the end for them. It’s just the beginning. Their life together was born out of true love. I have seen it unfold. I have seen the all too common patterns emerge, moving them each day further and further away from unity.
My story was quite the opposite. Born completely out of fear, my first marriage was the product of my own denial of Self. I was following the perceived life script we are told to follow. Following the path of fear, not love. What does that mean? I used marriage to cover up the things I refused to see within myself. It was a distraction from doing the real work that I am here to do. But I would not change a single thing. I love who I am and how I got here today. These lesson shaped me into the man I am so proud of today.
After Kirsty left my house, I realised that If I captured the essence of that hour of power on the couch, then perhaps I could save myself some time in the future having to re-explain the truths that pain can so often replace.
This episode could have easily been called… How To Save (And Protect) Your Relationship. But you don’t have to experience infidelity in order for this information to resonate.
Kirsty started by wanting to explain in detail everything he had just uncovered about Tim and the sex he had been having with another woman. After 20 minutes I asked her to stop. The details do not matter, just the cause. There is always opposites at play. Cause and affect. Yin and Yang. Dark and light. So I asked her two simple questions about the two S’s that the feminine craves…. Sex and Security.
Kirsty, when was the last time you and Tim made love?
Umm. I don’t know. Not for a while. Ages actually.
How long Kirsty? Please be specific. Don’t hide from such a simple truth.
I can’t, I’m too embarrassed to say.
Go on, take a wild guess.
I guess 18 months?
Ok and how many times since Jimmy was born?
I can probably count it on one hand.
This time the silence was from me. Jimmy was 4. That’s an average of maybe once a year. Yet I had the feeling she was exaggerating and that perhaps 4 or 5 times was somewhat generous! Time for question number two…
Ok, now Tell me, how would you rate Tim as a provider. Financially. How stable does he make you feel?
Umm… he does very well at work. And so do I. Our careers are everything to us. We are very stable. We have a great life financially.
How much time do you have together. Just the two of you. Whether it’s a romantic dinner, or just time in bed each night chatting?
Ha.. are you serious? I hardly ever see him. We both work so hard. And when I do see him, I am just so tired all the time. It’s hard managing two careers, and and our little boy. We just try and get through each day to be honest.
And there you have it. One of the root causes of most dis-ease in any relationship. This may sound overly simplistic to say that it all comes down to Sex, but usually in any relationship you can instantly see where the breakdown is occurring, either with their sex life, or their security. Their sex life is just a surface symptom of much greater and deeper universal truths. What Tim and Kirsty had not been taught at school were the rules of the game. They had been so busy blaming each other, playing tit for tat, that they failed to see that their lives together are ultimately a 50/50 game. You can’t escape balance. This is all there is. In all relationships there is support and challenge. This is how we grow.
Back to the story… Kirsty was now on a rant about Tim and the other woman, about how much she has suffered and the pain he has caused her.
Wait … I say … “Has he not suffered?”
How? How can he have suffered? We have a great life with everything we could ever want or need.
Us humans tend to see one side of the story when we are emotionally charged. We have blinkers on. My job now in this conversation was to open her eyes to the other side, because once you see the other side, the emotional charge dissolves.
So I ask Kirsty…
How open are you to Tim?
What do you mean, open?
I mean in all ways, but for now let’s focus on making love. How would you describe yourself as a lover?
Ummm…. well…. I am just not that sexual. I just don’t believe it’s very important.
But are you a woman, and is he a man?
And when you came together were you just mates? Or was there something else there?
There was passion I guess.
So you made love?
Yes, of course.
And when you came together you saw this beautiful life where you were just mates who shared a house and maybe some children? No passion in there anywhere?
No, that’s not what I saw.
Right, so what changed?
I lost interest in sex.
When did this happen.
After we conceived Jimmy. Maybe earlier when we both got really busy.
So again, I ask you, how open are you to Tim?
Not at all.
Would you describe yourself as open or closed?
Closed. I guess. I don’t know.
How much affection do you give Tim?
What do you mean?
You know what I mean. Hugging, kissing, touch…
Bingo. And there you have it. Kirsty is closed to Tim. Kirsty, through no fault of her own, it’s a 50/50 co-creation at play here, just through circumstance and through the universe doing what it has to do to teach her the the lesson’s she needs to learn, Kirsty has taken on a very masculine role in the house. She places most of her attention on her career. She has become completely disconnected from her true feminine essence (or as Melissa says her Goddessence) that Tim loved so much when they met. The nurturing that every masculine craves has gone. The yin to his yang. And as you will soon see, Tim is in fact a passionate man. But rejecting Tim’s passion is a rejection of his true self.
Relationships without polarity become lost and dull. Without spark, there can be no unity.
But this is only one half of the story… the next day Tim and I catch up on the beach. At first he is embarrassed, but I a reassure him that there is no judgement here. There is no right or wrong, and that we need to see through the social dogma of infidelity and see the other side….
Tim recounted his story… again I stop him after about 5 minutes of hearing him talk about the other woman.
Tim… how would you rate yourself as a provider? How do you contribute to the house financially.
Mate, you know me. I do very well. We do very well. We have everything.
Do you really… have everything?
Yeh, I guess. What else do we need?
Let’s talk about you for a minute. I remember years ago in your garage all the incredible creations you would make. I have never seen anyone transform timber into art like you used to do. What happened to that?
I just felt it was a pipe dream and that I had to get a serious job. So when my mate offered me a position to start at the bank I work for now, and work my way up, I kind of felt like I had to take it.
And how does that make you feel now… all these years later?
Mmmm …. Tim has to really pause to find the answer… Numb.
This is what I call the sedation of the masculine. For generations now, many men have marched off to work in a daze, dizzy with the daily grind, doing what they think is the right thing. Working hard, being the provider. And yes, this is a very important masculine trait. Notice I say masculine, not male.
But the masculine, does not have to be the breadwinner, does not have to be the one who brings in all the money. The feminine falls in love with the mission as well as the man. With no mission, love and passion do not flourish. The masculine is the captain of the relation-ship, but right now Tim has been numbed down to the point where he has no direction in life, other than doing what he ‘thinks’ is the right thing. And who can blame him? Tim is just playing out the model which he saw from his Dad. A man who wanted to be a landscape architect but chose law instead.
Tim, let’s talk about Kirsty… when was the last time you gave Kirsty an orgasm?
Are you kidding? I have no idea. She has no interest. Nick, I am a sexual man. I always have been. I used to find her so attractive and sexy, but she’s just not interested. I still try, I really do, but there is just never any opening with her. She is so closed to me, and she uses her work as an excuse, how she is always tired. I know this sounds strange now because I have been seeing another woman. And this other woman really is a beautiful person, and trust me, I feel really bad about this situation. I hate myself for it. But I find Kirsty so beautiful, she is all I really want. But she just does not want me. Ever.
Tim hasn’t had the tools to know how to move through this. When you don’t have the right tools, you resort to the most base path, the most animal path. It can be many things, like anger to try and force your partner to see your side of the story, or it can be sex. Tim took his passion elsewhere, he found what he yearned for with Kirsty, by having sex with another women.
The way Tim feels about himself now is how we can all feel when we turn away and deny our truth.
Kirsty and Tim are missing one simple ingredient in what could be a magical recipe of love…
There is no sex. No passion. No love. So often people share very openly with me their stories of infidelity, and there is always one thing missing. Or sometimes both. It’s either sex, or it’s security. This can play out in many ways…
Sometimes there may be great passion, but the masculine is not driving the ship. He has no purpose, no mission. And as a result he does not provide stability, so his partner seeks the stability elsewhere, looking for a man who can give her all the things that her current partner lacks. She finds a man who works hard and soils her, only to find herself locked into a polar paradigm where she has security, but no real passion, no sex, no time with her man. She was attracted to the ‘things’ he could provide, but not he himself. And round and round we go.
Or perhaps it’s the story of the man whose wife tells him that his art is not a ‘real’ job, so out of fear he goes out and like so many masculine, joins the ranks of sedated men who are just repeating the patterns they saw from their father and their father’s father. They provide security, but they lose sight of their own unique purpose and mission. But this time the wife, who has since a little girl always wanted to have a man who takes care of her, who comes home dressed in a suit and tie, who provides the house, the cars, the private education… this time the feminine thinks she is on the path to having it all, and just the thought of attaining all these ‘things’ keeps her going…but when she gets it… she is not happy. She can’t put her finger on why she is so unhappy. It must be her man. He must be the one to blame. She starts dressing differently, going out with her girlfriends and not coming home until the early hours of the morning. Then one night she doesn’t come home at all. The man who thought he was doing everything right for her, lies in bed waiting with an aching heart. He has lost who he thought was his queen, he has nomission, and is left with a shattered heart and a lost soul. But this feeling of being shattered, of being lost… this is the gold. Because what awaits him is a life with his future queen and a life of purpose, which he would never have found if she had not left him for another man.
The signs are always there for us. They start small… and if we don’t see them, if we don’t listen to what the universe is whispering to us, the signs become bigger and bigger, until one day they can’t be ignored. Do you know generous the universe is? Do you know how much work the universe needs to do to move all these lives around, turn them all upside down, just so we can get our lessons? Infidelity is just that. It is the universe’s way of orchestrating the perfect storm to wake you up. To make us see that it is always a 50/50 game.
I want to make it clear that this is not about gender roles… it’s about polarity. All relationships are unique, and all relationships can have their own version of polarity. But polarity is the force which generates attraction. Imagine I am holding two magnets… one positive which is the Yang or the masculine, one negative which is the Yin, or feminine. As I bring them together, what happens? They get close enough that they snap together. You know in the movies where the couple finally get together and they throw themselves other into each other’s arms? That is polarity. That is the negative and positive snapping together.
Let’s now take Tim and Kirsty’s story and look at them as these magnets… Tim is the positive magnet, the masculine or Yang energy … Kirsty is the negative magnet, the Yim or feminine. Now if I rotate Kirsty and now point her positive, or masculine towards Tim… what happens? No matter how hard you try to push them together, there is no attraction.
Kirsty, deep down, wants to be a mother. When they first met, Tim was doing his art. She loved him and wanted a future with him, so subconsciously sought stability by starting to work harder and harder in her job, which was never a passion for her. She fell into being a project manager in the real estate industry because she didn’t really know what she wanted to do after university. But now it has become her life. Her son is in daycare, but deep down she just wants to be home with them.
By the end of the conversation she could see how her being closed to Tim had contributed to him looking elsewhere. Gone was the the anger… a bright light had been shone on the other side…. The emotional charge that was dominating our couch conversation had dissolved into love and compassion for Tim. She could feel him now. She could feel all the times he came to her craving her touch. Craving her love. Craving to be nurtured. Craving to serve his queen, his goddess. She could see all the times she had shut him down, and forced him to repress this most natural masculine trait of wanting to bring her into her body, to experience God/ love/oneness (whatever you want to call it).
She could see that on her very doorstep there was a man who could give her the ultimate gift and take her to places she never dreamed, if, she could just open wide.
Remember, nothing good comes from closing.
Tim let go of the judgment he had towards himself. He felt like he could breathe, that his secret was out now and he could finally express all the things he so badly wanted to express to Kirsty. He could see how he had lost sight of his art and his mission, and how Kirsty had in the early days of their relationship taken on a masculine role and repressed her innate feminine qualities. He felt compassion and gratitude for her doing what she thought was right, stepping in with the masculine energy. He could see that her being quite hard edged and literally wearing the pants was a symptom of having to suppress her femininity in order to survive in the masculine world of corporate real estate.
Until we see the other side, it is hard as it is to accept that in our romantic relationships it is always a 50/50 game here you are playing together. It is a co-creation. Unfortunately Kirsty and Tim have been playing the game of life against each other … in opposition. They forgot they were teammates and that you win when you join forces and do the work together and on yourself.
They have both been working hard … working for 16 hours a day to suppress their truth. They both need to grieve now. Not grieve what happened in the past, but grieve that part of themselves which needs to die, that part which has been keeping them stuck in their story of who they think they are so that you both may move forward and thrive together and unlock a new level of love together.
The only way to reconcile the past is to return to the present.
In this experience, there is a great gift. It’s called growth. What awaits Tim and Kirsty is the potential for them to become who they really are. That is what being in relationship is all about. The challenge now will be for them to let go of the story, choose to see the other side and create a new story together. It won’t be all rainbows and butterfly, because we are all human, and pain is a necessary teacher. But pain only exists when we judge. Judgement turns that pain into suffering, and suffering is not essential for us to grow. It is a choice. Suffering is ALWAYS a choice.
Pain is a reminder that we are alive. Suffering is a reminder that we forget who we are.
Kirsty had so much anger towards Tim… and this of course is natural. We have to feel what we have to feel. But when she removed the judgement of Tim’s infidelity, which is seen so harshly in society, what she saw was a man who was deeply hurting inside… crying out for his queen. Crying out for his mission.
She wanted to slip into being the victim, to being the one who has been wronged…. But who here in this situation committed the greater crime? Who is right and who is wrong? Was it Tim sleeping with the other woman? Or was it Kirsty being closed and prioritising her career over her family? Both are symptoms of suppression of truth. How can we judge one person’s suppression as greater than the others? How can we judge at all.
There is a way for them to go, but the path is now wide open for them. Tim and Kirsty now see each other like never before. Tim has started doing one hour a day of his art and feels like a new man. He even enjoys his job now because he has something to look forward to. And it’s not just his art he looks forward to. He has a wife now, his queen, who is available to him. Not just with her time, but with her heart. She is letting him in. All it took was a touch of mission for the masculine, and some softness for femininity for the polarity to be re-established for them to snap back together.
Kirsty has moved to part time, and now now also can spend time with her little boy each afternoon before Tim comes home. But gone are the days of Tim missing saying good night to Jimmy, or Kirsty being too tired to connect with her King.
There is space now for Kirsty to step but into her Goddessence. To be the mother, to be the wife. To have the time and space for them to talk about things that they never have talked about before. Ultimately they both learned how to open wide to each other. And as long as they stay open wide together, they grow together.